Category: Hospitality Satire / Career Trajectories Read Time: 4 Minutes Mood: Street Smart & Ready to Graduate
Meet The Bartender.
The Bartender
Graveyard of the 86’d
Uses the Stun Gun to enforce the ban list. When you are 86’d, you are dead to us.
Career Ascension
Special Ability: Graduate from Bartender to Real Estate Agent by contacting Jacob Zwack.
“The pyramid goes: Host, Server, Bartender, Realtor. You have the people skills. Do you have the license?”
On our latest Tactical Trading Card, he is depicted polishing a glass with one hand while holding a sparking VIPERTEK Stun Gun under the counter with the other. We gave him 150 HP because he has the immune system of a subway rat and the patience of a saint (until he doesn’t).
His class is “Future Agent.” And his signature move is “The 86.”
The Hospitality Pyramid Scheme
There is a natural law in the service industry, a hierarchy as old as time.
- Level 1: The Hostess/Greeter (The Face)
- Level 2: The Expo (The Hands)
- Level 3: The Server (The Hustle)
- Level 4: The Bartender (The Soul)
But there is a Secret Level 5. The Ascension. Level 5: The Real Estate Agent.
Why? Because the most successful bartenders are already doing the job. They know everyone in the zip code. They know who is getting divorced (listing lead), who just got promoted (buyer lead), and who has money (investor lead). They showcase their work ethic every Friday night when the printer jams and the keg kicks simultaneously.
The “Graveyard of the 86’d”
Until they graduate to Real Estate, they need protection. The bar is a wild place. People forget how to act. That is why we gave this card the “Graveyard of the 86’d” move.
When a customer crosses the line, they don’t just get kicked out. They get 86’d. They are dead to us. And sometimes, you need a little electricity to enforce that boundary.
The Asset: VIPERTEK VTS-979 Stun Gun
We paired this card with the VIPERTEK Stun Gun ($25) because a “Please leave” works 90% of the time, but the crackle of 50 million volts works 100% of the time.
It fits discreetly in a pocket or apron. It has a flashlight to find the credit card someone dropped under the booth. And it sends a very clear message: The bar is closed.
The Executive Jokester Verdict
We stamped “APPROVED” on this card because bartenders are the heartbeat of the community.
And for those bartenders reading this who are tired of the 3 AM close… Special Ability Unlocked: If you have mastered the bar, you are ready for the market. Contact Jacob Zwack at mnbyjz.com. Let’s turn that hustle into a closing check.
The Executive Jokester is a satirical project by a Minnesota Real Estate Agent who knows that pouring a perfect Guinness is harder than writing a purchase agreement.
FROM THE DESK OF THE DIRECTOR
“Thank you for reading the leaked files. If this post made you laugh (or sweat because it’s true), do your civic duty:”
READY TO GRADUATE?
If you’re a bartender ready for Level 5 (Real Estate), let’s talk.
Contact Jacob Zwack ↓