“The Clopener”: Powered by Espresso and Spite
Mood: Caffeinated & delirious
Meet The Clopener.
The Clopener
Closing Time
Locks the doors at 3 AM. Counts the cash. Smells like stale beer.
Opening Brunch
Back at 9 AM to cut lemons. Functioning entirely on espresso and spite.
“The hardest worker in the building. Sacrificing REM sleep for your Eggs Benedict.”
On our latest Tactical Trading Card, they are depicted looking like a zombie—half-asleep but moving at super speed. One eye is twitching. They are chugging espresso directly from the machine. The clock in the background shows 3:00 AM and 9:00 AM simultaneously.
We gave them 50 HP because while they are technically alive, their soul left their body somewhere around the 2 AM last call.
Their class is “Zombie.” And their signature move is “The 4-Hour Turnaround.”
The Physics of the “Clopen”
For those who haven’t worked in hospitality, the “Clopen” (Close-Open) is a violation of the Geneva Convention.
- 3:00 AM: You lock the doors, count the cash, and mop the floors. You smell like stale beer and sanitizer.
- 3:30 AM: You drive home. You are too wired to sleep.
- 4:00 AM: You stare at the ceiling.
- 8:00 AM: The alarm goes off. You have to be back to cut lemons for brunch.
You exist in a state of suspended animation. You aren’t awake; you are vibrating.
The Asset: Nespresso Vertuo Machine
We paired this card with the Nespresso Vertuo ($150+) because drip coffee simply isn’t strong enough to reanimate a corpse.
The Clopener needs espresso. High pressure. High caffeine. Instant delivery. This machine doesn’t make a beverage; it makes jet fuel. It is the only thing standing between the server and a mental breakdown during the Sunday Brunch rush.
- Speed: 20 seconds to brew (faster than a customer can complain).
- Strength: Enough to make you feel colors.
The Executive Jokester Verdict
We stamped “RESPECT” on this card.
The Clopener is the hardest worker in the building. They are doing the shifts nobody else wants. They are sacrificing their REM cycle so you can have your Eggs Benedict.
If your server looks a little tired, or if their hand shakes when they pour your water… tip 30%. They earned it.
The Executive Jokester is a satirical project by a Minnesota Real Estate Agent/Bartender who has survived the Clopen and lived to tell the tale.
FROM THE DESK OF THE DIRECTOR
“Thank you for reading the leaked files. If this post made you laugh (or sweat because it’s true), do your civic duty:”
HAVE INTEL?
I need ideas for Sector 09. Drop a comment below with the job title I should roast next.
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