“The General Contractor”: The Most Expensive Middleman in History
Mood: Over-Budget & Behind Schedule
Meet The General Contractor.
The General Contractor
Remote Supervision
Sits in the truck watching Netflix on Starlink while the crew works in the rain. “I’m coordinating logistics.”
The Markup
Auto-adds 20% to every subcontractor invoice for “Project Management.” Effort required: Zero.
BY THE EXECUTIVE JOKESTER
On our latest Tactical Trading Card, he is depicted sitting in a lawn chair, feet up, watching Netflix on a high-speed Starlink connection while the actual crew builds the building behind him.
We gave him 100 HP because no matter what happens—delays, weather, supply chain issues—he always gets paid first.
The “Remote Supervision” Move
His signature move is “Remote Supervision.”
This is the art of parking his $90,000 truck on the job site, setting up a SpaceX Starlink Roam dish, and proceeding to do absolutely nothing for 8 hours.
- The Client thinks: “He’s on-site coordinating logistics.”
- The Reality: He is trading crypto and watching Yellowstone while the plumber screams for help in the basement.
He isn’t there to build. He is there to exist. He is the physical manifestation of “Overhead.”
The “Markup” Magic
The General Contractor views himself as a “Coordinator.” He believes he is cutting out the middleman.
The Joke: He is the middleman.
His business model is simple:
- Hire a Subcontractor to do the work for $1,000.
- Charge the Client $1,200.
- Keep the $200 for “Project Management.”
He is the Ticketmaster of the construction world. He adds a “Convenience Fee” to your house, but the only person he is convenient for is himself.
The Asset: Starlink Gen 3
We paired this card with the Starlink Gen 3 because it is the ultimate tool for the Absentee Manager.
It allows him to have high-speed, low-latency internet anywhere on earth.
- Does he use it to download blueprints? No.
- Does he use it to video call the architect? No.
- He uses it to ensure his fantasy football lineup is set before the concrete truck arrives.
The Executive Jokester Verdict
We stamped “NOT APPROVED” on this card because the modern GC often forgets that “General” is an adjective, but “Contractor” is a verb. You have to actually contract something other than a reliable internet signal.
If you see a Starlink dish on a job site, check the truck. If the guy inside is reclined, you aren’t paying for construction. You’re paying for his subscription.
The Executive Jokester is a satirical project by a Minnesota Real Estate Agent who knows that “Two Weeks” is construction code for “Maybe July.”