THE HALL OF SHAME
Warning: These Items May Cause Public Humiliation
“Not Tonight” Wrap
Industrial strength beige underwear pattern. Sexy.
Margarita Shower
Hygiene meets Happy Hour. (Sadly, it’s a prank box).
12 Nesting Boxes
A box inside a box inside a box… The gift of frustration.
I have received some “feedback” on my recent gift guide.
Specifically, regarding the “Social Suicide” Collection—the one featuring the STD Test Kit gift bag and the Granny Panties wrapping paper.
Some of you (HR departments, mostly) have asked: “Jake, isn’t this mean?” “Is it professional to hand a colleague a book about living with a small endowment?” “Why do you choose violence?”
As a Realtor, I rely on data. I don’t operate on feelings; I operate on facts. As a Prankster, I operate on the tears of my enemies.
But today, I am putting on my glasses to explain to you that I am not a bully. I am a scientist.
Here is the peer-reviewed, fiduciary-approved breakdown of why ruining your friend’s dignity is actually good for society.
Exhibit A: The STD Gift Bag & “Benign Violation Theory”
The Joke: You hand a friend a gift bag labeled “Herpes Simplex Medication” in a crowded bar. The Reaction: Panic. Shame. A sudden clearing of the immediate area.
Why It’s Funny (According to Science): According to researchers McGraw and Warren in Psychological Science (yes, I read), humor only happens when a situation is a “Benign Violation.”
- The Violation: The bag threatens your friend’s social status. It implies they are contagious. This is the “Threat.”
- The Benign: It is fake. They aren’t actually contagious (hopefully). This is the “Safety.”
If the bag were real, it would be a tragedy. Since it’s fake, it’s comedy. I am effectively stress-testing your friendship. If they laugh, we are bonded. If they cry, they have no sense of nuance.
(Source: My tenure at Buffalo Wild Wings, 2014-2024. Sample size: 4,000 drunk people).
Exhibit B: The Granny Panties Wrap & “Incongruity Theory”
The Joke: A gift wrapped in high-res photos of beige, industrial-strength undergarments. The Reaction: Confusion. “Why is this happening?”
Why It’s Funny (According to Philosophy): Immanuel Kant (a philosopher who definitely would have loved the Jar of F*cks) argued that laughter comes from the “sudden transformation of a strained expectation into nothing.”
Your brain expects a gift to be wrapped in shiny, festive paper. Instead, it is presented with giant underwear. Your brain short-circuits. The “Incongruity” between Expectation (Beauty) and Reality (Beige Cotton) forces a laugh reflex to resolve the tension.
Basically, I am stimulating your neural pathways. You’re welcome.
Exhibit C: The “Small Penis” Notebook & “Superiority Theory”
The Joke: Leaving a book titled How to Live with a Small Penis on your buddy’s coffee table before a date. The Reaction: A desperate attempt to hide the evidence.
Why It’s Funny (According to Thomas Hobbes): Hobbes believed we laugh at the “sudden glory” of realizing we are superior to someone else.
When you see your friend holding that book, you aren’t just laughing at the book. You are laughing because you aren’t the one holding it. It is a primal dominance hierarchy thing. It’s the same reason we laugh when someone trips, or when a homeowner asks if Zillow’s “Zestimate” is accurate.
The Conclusion
So, when you buy the Margarita Shower Head or the Fart Filter, do not feel guilty.
You are not being mean. You are conducting a high-level psychological experiment on Benign Violation, Incongruity Resolution, and Social Dominance.
You are a scholar. I am just providing the syllabus.