“The Sommelier”: Sniffing Corks and Judgment
Mood: Pretentious & Fragile
Meet The Sommelier.
The Sommelier
Cork Sniff
Inhales deeply. Looks at you. Waits for you to be impressed by his nose.
Vintage Ruiner
Breaks the cork of a $300 bottle tableside. Pretends it didn’t happen. Filters it through his teeth.
“He loves himself so much he enjoys sniffing his own… corks. The cologne helps mask the ego.”
On our latest Tactical Trading Card, he is depicted sniffing a cork with an expression of pure ecstasy, surrounded by a cloud of “smell lines.” We gave him 60 HP because his ego is incredibly fragile; if you pronounce “Pinot Noir” wrong, he takes physical damage.
His class is “Snob.” And his signature move is “The Vintage Ruiner.”
The Ritual of the Cork
The Sommelier doesn’t just open a bottle; he performs a séance.
He presents the label like it’s a holy relic. He cuts the foil with surgical precision. He pulls the cork and sniffs it deep, inhaling the soul of the grape.
- Is the wine corked? Probably not.
- Does he just like smelling things? Yes.
He pours a splash. He swirls it violently. He stares at you, waiting for you to validate his existence by nodding and saying, “Mmm, yes. Oaky.”
The “Stuck-Up” Factor
We all know this server. He loves the sound of his own voice describing “notes of pencil shavings and cat pee” (actual wine terms) more than he loves the customer.
He is the guy who corrects your pronunciation of “Merlot” in front of your date. He is the guy who scoffs when you order a Diet Coke. He believes that because he wears a little metal cup around his neck (the Tastevin), he is better than you.
The Asset: Creed Viking Cologne
We paired this card with Creed Viking Cologne ($300+) because The Sommelier loves to smell himself.
If you are going to stand tableside and lecture people about the “nose” of a Cabernet, you need to smell expensive. This cologne screams, “I have strong opinions about glassware and I will judge your tip based on your watch.”
The Executive Jokester Verdict
We stamped “NOT APPROVED” on this card because wine should be fun, not a test.
If your Sommelier makes you feel stupid for ordering the house wine, he isn’t doing his job. He’s just being a jerk in a vest.
Drink what you like. Even if it’s from a box.
The Executive Jokester is a satirical project by a Minnesota Real Estate Agent who knows that after two glasses, it all tastes the same anyway.
FROM THE DESK OF THE DIRECTOR
“Thank you for reading the leaked files. If this post made you laugh (or sweat because it’s true), do your civic duty:”
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