“The Wondering Waiter”: Service in Slow Motion
Mood: Confused & Distant
Meet The Wondering Waiter.
Wondering Waiter
The Zone Out
Stares blankly at a TV playing sports highlights while three tables wave their credit cards in the air.
Modification Ignore
Writes down “Ranch on side.” Looks at it. Immediately forgets it. Brings you a salad soup.
“He walks with purpose, but nobody knows where he is going. Especially him. Do they even know where they are?”
On our latest Tactical Trading Card, he is depicted standing in the middle of a busy dining room, staring blankly at a television playing a football game, while three different tables wave their credit cards in the air. We gave him 10 HP because he is extremely fragile; one complex order (“Can I get the sauce on the side?”) causes a total system reboot.
His class is “Liability.” And his signature move is “The Zone Out.”
The “Modification Ignorer” Move
We’ve all had this waiter. You look him in the eye. You say, clearly and slowly: “I would like the ranch on the side, please.”
He nods. He writes it down. He looks at what he wrote.
And then, 15 minutes later, he brings you a salad drowning in ranch dressing.
Why? Because he wasn’t listening. He was thinking about his band’s demo tape or wondering if cats can see ghosts. He has mastered the art of “Active Non-Listening.”
The “Where Am I?” Factor
The Wondering Waiter spends a lot of time pacing. He walks briskly from the kitchen to the dining room, stops, looks around confusedly, and then walks back to the kitchen.
- Does he have food in his hands? No.
- Is he checking on a table? No.
- Is he high? Almost certainly.
The Asset: 5-Panel Home Drug Test
We paired this card with a Home Drug Test Kit ($12) because sometimes, as a manager or a coworker, you just need to know.
Is he just naturally spacey? Is it sleep deprivation? Or is he currently navigating the dining room while on a spiritual journey through the cosmos? This asset provides the answer. (Note: In the hospitality industry, a positive result is not grounds for firing; it’s usually a prerequisite for promotion to “Shift Lead.”)
The Executive Jokester Verdict
We stamped “NOT APPROVED” on this card because while we appreciate a relaxed vibe, we also appreciate getting our refills before the ice melts.
If your waiter looks like he is watching a movie that only he can see… ask for the check immediately. You might not see him again for 45 minutes.
The Executive Jokester is a satirical project by a Minnesota Real Estate Agent who knows that “I’ll be right back with your water” is the biggest lie ever told.
FROM THE DESK OF THE DIRECTOR
“Thank you for reading the leaked files. If this post made you laugh (or sweat because it’s true), do your civic duty:”
HAVE INTEL?
I need ideas for Sector 09. Drop a comment below with the job title I should roast next.
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