There are people you like. You buy them whiskey. There are people you tolerate. You buy them a gift card. Then, there is that person.
Maybe it’s the HOA President who measures your grass with a ruler. Maybe it’s the ex who stole your Netflix password and your favorite hoodie. Maybe it’s the guy at the bar who snapped his fingers at me to get a drink. (Don’t do that. We spit in your food. Kidding. Mostly.)
For these people, a glitter bomb isn’t enough. You need to send a message. A biological message.
Enter: PoopSenders.com
Yes, this is a real website. No, I am not joking.
This is the Uber Eats of Excrement.
They allow you to anonymously send a literal package of non-human feces to anyone, anywhere in the country.
The Menu (Yes, there is a menu)
You aren’t just sending generic “dirt.” You get to choose your weapon of mass destruction. They offer an artisanal selection of:
- Cow Dung: The classic. Farm-fresh. Textured.
- Elephant Crap: For when you need volume. It’s the “Costco Bulk Buy” of revenge.
- Gorilla Poop: Exotic. Musky. A rare vintage for the connoisseur of hate.
- The Combo Pack: A Neapolitan mix of all three.
Why The Joker (Hesitantly) Respects This:
1. The Anonymity: As a Realtor, my face is on billboards. I can’t exactly leave a flaming bag on a doorstep without losing my license. PoopSenders guarantees anonymity. It is the perfect crime.
2. The Confusion: Imagine opening a package. You see the nice cardboard box. You think, “Oh! Did I order something from Amazon?” You cut the tape. You open the flaps. And you are immediately hit with the scent of the Serengeti. The psychological damage is permanent.
3. It’s “Legal” (Apparently): According to their site, sending animal fertilizer is technically legal for “gardening purposes.” You are just helping your enemy fertilize their living room carpet. How thoughtful of you.
The “Fiduciary” Warning:
Disclaimer: Jake Zwack is a licensed professional. He does not condone biological warfare. Do not send poop to your boss, the police, or anyone who can trace your IP address.
The Joker, however, says: If you have a nemesis who deserves a quart of Gorilla waste…
Happy Hunting.